glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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