I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
