Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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