i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
