I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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