I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
