even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
