oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
