all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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