I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
