We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
