i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
