maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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