Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
