It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
