i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
