We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
