I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
