The maid of honor just puked.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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