You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The uberlube is also flammable
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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