he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
