how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
