Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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