i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
