Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
