Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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