I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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