He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
