Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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