then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
