I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
