I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bring me that man meat
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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