so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
