im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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