Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I supernannyed him into submission
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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