Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
