i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
