first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
