At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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