Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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