I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
