You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
