Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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