I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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