new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
