i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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