Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
organizing the empties. That sober.
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
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I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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