Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
