seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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