Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
