i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
