if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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