i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
