she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
