update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
