whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
bring money and cleavage
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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