Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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