Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
