i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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