had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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