Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
