JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
