I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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